


Nobody must know

by nojoking



Category: Chalion Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 07:37:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11664576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nojoking/pseuds/nojoking
Summary: I prayed that nobody would know who I was. And then I prayed again.And thus prayers may be answered.





	Nobody must know

_I prayed that nobody would know who I was. And then I prayed again._

  
\---------------------------------------

“Vrese, I’ve heard a rumour. There’s a team coming from Taryoon. Are they coming for you?”

“How should I know, Wilna. I’ve got my connections there but they’ve sent no messages. Blast that girl. I had a nice life here. People knew they could ask for my help and, within reason, I could give it. Blast the girl.”

“Perhaps it was one step too far? That wool-merchant didn’t deserve what happened. I never really understood what his son did so wrong that he had to be killed by dy Naoza.”

“As if I could care. He was a tiny piece of grit caught in the cogs of bigger people. You’ve seen the new clock in the temple. One big piece of grit and the whole mechanism can come to a halt. There were people who wanted situations bent to their benefit. I had a life to lead and my own demands and desires. I wanted a better life, a little more power, more money. Not just for me of course, but for us. Being helpful to those more powerful than me was a way to get there. And they paid well too.”

“Actually, did you ever think about me? Perhaps I never noticed. Now that we are on the run – which will be a shame if the investigators are not coming for you.”

“We can only hope. Blast that girl.”

“Have you ever wondered if she was inspired to behave as she did.”

“I know more of life than you do. I’ve seen so many pass before my judgement. Never have I detected anything that suggested the gods were active in the daily life of ordinary people or even in the lives of people like me. I would have known.”

“You have no idea how much that reassures me, husband dear.”

“Well, you know I have prayed that nobody will know about my, er, activities. I’ve been a good judge too. I wanted to be known as a good judge. I certainly don’t want to be known as an ex-judge running away from his failure. I certainly don’t want to be known for that.”

“I know, or you tell me, which may not be the same thing, that you have been a good judge – at least when there has been no enticement to give a less than properly balanced judgement. I do hope that this current trouble is not that balance being reset.”

“Once we’re out of Baocia we should be less likely to be noticed. At least we can hope that is so. My intention for us is to find a town some distance away, probably out of Chalion. I speak passable Roknari but I think our best target will be a town in Brajar. At least they speak Ibran there. What sort of job I can find is a little trickier. It would be easy to be an educated clerk who began law but fell out with his master’s willingness to be flexible. Sort of touch of irony in giving a background so near to the truth but so far from reality.”

The group was captured at the eastern corner of Chalion near the Brajar / Jarn border by a troop from Jarn.

Despite being educated better than most, the fleeing judge and his family were poorly treated. Their money dripped away faster than it could be replaced. Nobody seeemed to need advice that they could be charged for. And Vrese found that his claim to speak adequate Roknari was less true than he had hoped.

Slowly, they dropped down the ladder of life – less money, poorer food, poorer lodgings. Within the year they were asking for help from the local Temple.

“You said you prayed that nobody would know about your activities. Clearly the gods believe that the prayer is satisfied if nobody cares about your activities.”

“What else should I have prayed for in those circumstances? Should I have asked to be known for something other than being a possibly corrupt judge.”

“Oh dear. I wish you didn’t say things like that.”

\---------------------------------------

It was barely a week later when her words began to carry a truth.

They had been sent by the Temple to work in Jarnok, the capital. In the state they were now in, a suggestion of that sort was close to a command. Certainly, those who failed to follow such a suggestion found that the Temples were noticeably less willing to be generous.

Wilna took ill on the journey. And the Temple sent a young dedicat to treat her. He was young, slim and looked to be barely 20 years old. His name was Calon. Vrese was entranced, bewitched, dazzled and fascinated by the young man.  
Wilna, even lying exhausted on the bare mattress, saw what was happening and realized that, in human terms, the Bastard was sometimes a bastard. But she also saw the justice interwoven with the punishment.

Days passed and Vrese spent more and more of his time with Calon. He said that he was learning the trade, that he was beginning to feel a true call to become a student of healing – even at his relatively late age. He could not see his own foolishness.

Wilna talked one day with another patient. “My Vrese cannot see that was has happened is the result of his own actions and his recent prayers.”

“What ordinary man is going to believe that the gods care about him – until his eyes are opened by some dazzlement or other. Horses with blinkers can see better. Horses with blindfolds can probably see better.”  
Even though there was a curtain between, Wilma knew that both she and the other patient were smiling at each other.

“I could wish there was more for me to smile at. But I knew of his weaknesses. I knew where some of our wealth came from. And I accepted it while knowing it was ugly. I dare not wish because with our gods, a wish becomes a prayer becomes a judgment. And I’m not ready to be judged. And if I were to judge myself I have no idea what punishment I might deserve. Too little too late, perhaps.”

“Is Vrese lost to you with this Calon and Vrese’s belief in his new calling?”

“I don’t know. Somehow I feel that this may be a Bastard trick. But how often do prayers hit more than just the individual who is the immediate target. I cannot recall any sermon which talks about that. And in this city of Quadrenes, to talk as if the Bastard has genuine power is a way to instant punishment and hurt. And we have already suffered much.”

“Perhaps in the world that the gods observe, so very different from what we see, perhaps accepting that you have done wrong will be taken as a beginning of self-punishment.”

“I don’t know. I do feel that I am no longer the person I used to be. To have lost so much and to have eventually accepted that much of it should never have been mine. I never thought beyond the day. Vrese was a good man, once. Maybe many times more than once, to be fair. But he slipped. He got greedy. And with it he lost his goodness and his balance. And I fell with him because I never questioned.”

“And now.”

“I don’t know where this journey will take me. If Vrese is taking himself away should I stay near or should I accept this further departure from my life. I know not.”

“How much worse would it get if you prayed?”

“Ah, well. Then I would have to have some idea of what to pray for. I have never been one to pray for myself, I was never taught how to. To pray for those near me, yes, and for their problems and issues. But I only ever prayed in a small way. This, this would need a big prayer. A prayer asked in a way I have never done before – and I do not have the words.”

“Then think about your largest hopes, your biggest fears, your largest failures, your greatest wishes, your most urgent desires and the things you have hoped for for ever. When you are ready the words will come.”

"Ah. But I look at how the current difficulties have come to us as the result of Vrese’s prayers and I wonder if I dare.”

“Then I need to tell you of the sermon last Mother’s Day. The divine spoke and he talked of how he had met the a Saint recently and she had spoken of Sainthood to him. That she believed the gods did not want perfect souls, they wanted most the souls who had been bold, who had dared, who had taken risks on behalf of others. So. You should dare. For yourself and those you love - be daring.”

“I’m too tired to listen more. But your words make a light in my head as if a flame has been lit. I thank you and wonder if I shall dream. Perhaps in the morning, I shall know what to do and what to say. Thank you for speaking so kindly.”

But Wilma must have been talking to herself in some sort of dream-state. For when the attendant came with food and drew back the curtain, it was clear the bed was empty and unused.

\---------------------------------------

Each night Vrese returned from his day spent trailing after Calon. He could talk of nothing else, how wonderful the healer was, how skilled he was at cutting past the vague ideas that each patient had about his own treatment. He could talk of nothing else.  
In the privacy of their single room, Wilma wept. She did not hate, she was beyond hate. But she wondered what would be next. Had the gods done with them?

Then he began to spend his meagre earnings on gifts for the boy. Not on helping them out of the hole they were in; not on any way to improve their happiness or his happiness or her happiness.

And the gossip started.

Truly, Vrese was becoming well known for something different than being a once-corrupt judge.

\---------------------------------------  
But Wilna was not happy about this. She wanted better than this for herself and even for her errant husband, that man of variable quality, even for him she wanted a better future. She began to plan.

While she recovered from her short stay in the hospital, she began to make plans. She found that she had skills she didn’t know she possessed. She was becoming renowned for her advice to women. Chalion was not as notorious as some other places in its placement of men as the fount of all power. How could it be so with the recent evidence of several powerful ladies at Court and as Temple Divines. But still the majority of judges, lawyers, merchants and the like were male.

Time passed and Wilna found herself assisting women at tribunals and even courts where they had to plead their cases. And eventually sometimes men came for her advice.

Her first such was an argument between two guild merchants. Both had been friendly enemies for many years and yet a recent kerfuffle in the Spring market had turned nasty as each accused the other of bad faith. It had become quite clear that the root of the problem was an overheard comment taken amiss due to the noise and perhaps to the alcohol consumed.

Wilna offered her services as mediator – and this was accepted for, she thought, a goodly fee. All she now had to do was persuade both parties that the quarrel was petty and of minimum significance against the potentially greater loss of losing their valuable sites at the Spring Market were the Temple to choose either as being at fault.

Wilna took her two warring merchants to a quiet corner of the Father’s temple set aside for such disputes.

“I have listened to you both and I have spoken with others who have knowledge of the event from which this dispute has emerged. I confess that the stories I have heard leave room for slippage and even confusion as regards the actual truth. For as we must all realize, there are many possible truths to be unearthed. There is your truth, Master Zeng based on what you know and, for you, Master Angor, there will be the truth based on what you know. And for both of you, there will be some alteration over time and as you have retold your stories as compared to what other people saw and witnessed then and remember now. And yet everyone involved has promised to tell me the truth. Ho hum.”

“To my understanding, the crucial event was actually not heard by either of you in person but was a comment, very strongly made by one who knows both of you. This man whether with intent to cause trouble or for some other reason said ‘I never said Zeng stole money from Angor’. And this was reported back to both of you – and you are both angry. Yes?”

Both men scowled their agreement.

“I have not been able to find the man who spoke. And this concerns me – why would a man make such a large and inflammatory statement and disappear. It seems strange to me that one single event could make this happen. Is there any special long-running issue involving the two of you. An issue with the two of you already against each other or, as likely, an issue where you should be working together against a common foe?”

There was a long pause while the two men looked at each other. Then Angor raised an eyebrow and Zeng grunted his agreement.

“There is indeed such an issue. We had allowed ourselves to be distracted by this new nastiness. So, there is an advantage to hiring a go-between who does not know the secrets of the city.”

“There may be both advantages and disadvantages to my as yet partial knowledge of your city. But I gather that you do now see that there is such a problem and you have been led away from it.”

“I think I may speak for both of us. Your words cause us at least to hesitate in our quest for mutual retaliation.”

“Thank you Master Zeng. As a further comment on hearsay, I offer you the following. Was what the man said correctly remembered and passed on to you. Not only may the words have been different, either for better or worse, but even with intonation and emphasis, such a brief message can bear different freight. Did the man say which of the following :- ‘I never said Zeng stole money from Angor’ or ‘I NEVER said Zeng stole money from Angor’ or ‘I never SAID Zeng stole money from Angor’ or ‘I never said ZENG stole money from Angor’ or ‘I never said Zeng STOLE money from Angor’ or ‘I never said Zeng stole MONEY from Angor’ or any other variation. I know you are sure that the story came clear and clean to you but words can bear deadly fruit if you only take in the poison.”

“Thank you Madame Wilna. Your guidance is timely and has saved us both much inconvenience. You are welcome to anything I can offer.”

“I echo his words. And offer the same gratitude. We will stay awhile and ponder our response to this threat, for indeed you have pointed out an issue which we thought was of little concern. Indeed we thought it had faded away. But it is the only such issue we can identify. We need to take steps. As a final gesture of our great thanks, we will point you out to others as one who can deal with sensitive issues. We are aware of your husband and his rather futile efforts to become a healer at such an age. Your efforts are much more significant to us. You will soon hear from us or, more likely, our colleagues who have issues which require clever ears.”

As the years passed, so their words came true. Vrese fell away from his efforts to become a healer once Calon tired of his importuning. In the meantime, Wilna climbed away from the gutter Vrese had led them to.

Eventually, Vrese was known no longer as a failed and corrupt lawyer. He was known no longer as the ageing lover of a young healer. He was known instead as the hanger-on to that remarkable Lady Clever Ears.

And so do some prayers get answered.


End file.
